Ignoranus

This is a repost from the old Vodka, Sex and Cheese but for the newbies...

My super-fun hot friend Tracy and I went to Happy Hour last Friday (now, many many Fridays ago). We ran into the same group of young cute boys who are from all over the USA but who are here for some forensic diving school. One silly boy says I'll be his wife some day. He also says I should have babies because so few people have almost-black hair and blue/green eyes. This boy is apparently from Uranus (not mine).

Anyhoodle, they are fun, young, rowdy and flirtatious. Best of all, they assumed we were in our 20s. They had one guy in the group we'd never met before and who obviously didn't fit the mold of the others. He was hanging on the periphery staring at the video-trivia game he wasn't playing. He's scrawny, wearing a shirt that looks like it should have paper plates of fried chicken and tater salad on it. He's unconfident, quiet, unattractive. JUST MY TYPE. Well, no, but I always seek out the lepers in the group and try to make them feel like one of the gang. You'd think by now I'd learn my lesson that when you pet the mangy malnourished 3-legged dog that it will love you unconditionally and want to follow you home... even after you back over it. Twice.

We're all having a good time and I've corralled in the loser. They're trying to get Tracy and I to kiss for the camera. We do of course. Nobody is getting out of control or plastered, yet. I'm standing there talking to one guy, Jason (my supposed future husband from Uranus), and WHACK (screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet - needle scrapes across record - then silence) I whip around to see WHO JUST SLAPPED ME REALLY HARD ACROSS THE ASS. Sumbitch! It's that scrawny 3-legged dog! All the other guys' jaws are still on the floor. No wonder you're alone fucktard - chicks don't like that! Especially nice fun cute chicks who took pity on your uncool ass.

When I get to the office Monday, here is the email from him that I find:

Hey What's up I guess you do remember me. I got into an argument with your friend. I'm sorry for that but when I feel I'm right about something I'm knot going to back down. I'm a very quit person and it does take allot to get me rallied up. But any way I thought you were a very nice person and I could tell the other guy in my class was getting allitle irritated when you I were talking. But O'well. If you don't think I'm a total idiot I would still like to have you show me around sometime. I really would like to see the Franklin Museum and check out little Italy, My moms side of the family are from Italy and I lived there for five years. I think I can still speak allitle Itailon. But any way I'm relaxing today and doing some dive charts and watching football. I have a local phone number but my cell phone number is 757 673-9696. I still have your number. I don't want to bug you but if you want to make contact let me know or I'll just give you a call somtime. Take care. Cheers Steve

Steve, I thought you were a drunken asshole. It wasn't until you proved your lack of intelligence in this finely crafted missive that I even guessed the depth of your idiocy. I suspect we've merely scratched the surface. Ignoranus: someone who's not just stupid, he's also an asshole.

Feel free to call and harass him - just don't mention where you got the number because that's my Friday Happy Hour spot. Bottoms up!

He spelled 'argument' right, go figure...